I am not a relationship expert, a psychologist, or a counselor. This advice is based purely on my past experiences with men and two marriages. These are actual experiences that have occurred over the last 26 years.

When I was in undergraduate school, I met with an adviser and learned more about the fabulous world of speech/language pathology. Now, I was one of those dorky kids who LOVED school. I loved learning, projects, school supplies, extra curricular activities, etc…, so when I learned that speech/language pathologists (SLPs) worked in schools and that I didn’t need to be a teacher, I was SO excited! When I saw my boyfriend a few days later, I told him all about my chosen major and what kinds of settings I could work in. When I told him that I could work in a school, he interrupted me and said (I kid you not), “Honey, you’re better than that. Don’t waste your life in a school.”…..Silence….. What the hell?   I just shared something I considered to be very important as a college student, adult, and future career woman and in two sentences, my balloons were immediately deflated. What did I do? Well, I’ve been described as a little hellcat, spitfire, and firecracker. I let him have it. I was insulted. I felt that he insulted every teacher in the world and obviously did not value education (the institution, desire to learn new things, etc…). We never spoke about my major again. It was one of the many reasons why I turned down his marriage proposal several months later.

Lesson: When your girlfriend or wife shares something she is absolutely excited about, encourage her. Say something supportive. “You’re better than that.” Is not supportive, even if you think you giving support. You’re not. You sound like an uncaring jackass.

When you’re in bed with your girlfriend, telling her, “XXX used to do ___. Can you do that? Oh and how about someone videotape us from the closet?” Dumb thing to say in the middle of sex. I would suggest having that discussion before or after the act but never during the moment. 

“Okay, let’s do it,” while in the middle of an argument about a purchase of a three-wheeler does not constitute as a marriage proposal. (Gee, where have I found these men in my life?) Thank you First Husband (Why I said “yes” I will never know… caught me off guard in the middle of a fight???)

Wives and girlfriends do not appreciate your attempt at showing affecting by grabbing their hand and pulling them into your lap saying, “Sit here and let me poke fun at you.” Seriously, I am not making this stuff up. First Husband gets credit for this one too.

During our first year of married life, I had a really bad day at work. While attempting to take a relaxing bath, First Husband comes into the bathroom trying to be a stand up guy and listen to his wife talk about her day. At the end of my long rant, the loving sensitive First Husband says, “Damn, baby, your arms are getting loose. Are you gaining weight?” The look of fear on the man’s face as I screamed, “Get out! Get out of the &*^%ing bathroom!” was classic. I made sure the bathroom was always locked after that day. We only had one bathroom then, so when he needed to go while I was relaxing in my bathtub I told him to tie a knot in it or go outside. I have no idea if he did go outside. He probably did. We lived in a house off the bay and he often hung out on the pier or in our boat.

Lesson: Never ask about your significant other’s day just because you think you should. Do it because you really and truly want to know.

Never ask your wife with OCD, who makes meticulous grocery lists, to buy a cereal you know she hates and never will eat then accuse her of eating it or throwing the unopened box away. Did I mention my lists are meticulous? I bought the damn cereal. Courtesy of Second Husband aka Heart Breaker.

Saying, “Cake would be nice” towards the end of dinner at home is interpreted as, “Will you make me a cake for dessert?”  A delicious spice cake with homemade cream cheese frosting was made with love.

“What are you making a cake for?”

“You said you wanted one.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did and it’s ready to eat.”

“No, I said that it would be nice.”

What the hell does that even mean, Heart Breaker?

Similarly, making statements like, “The floor is dusty” or “That’s a lot of dishes in the sink” (keeping a neat and tidy house is not my forte) is not interpreted as, “Will you vacuum the hardwood floors?” or “Will you put the dishes in the dishwasher?” They are statements/comments. Definitely not questions, so don’t yell and get upset when your wife corrects you by saying so.  Did I mention OCD? A question is a question. Get it right.

I think I frustrate Heart Breaker quite a bit. He has a dominant personality. It’s the only thing about him that stayed the same after he got sick. Before the virus got him, I would have definitely been in trouble for that. I can’t help it. I feel compelled to make corrections. It could possibly be my downfall in any future D/s relationship … or maybe good therapy? Hmmm….

Lastly, on the rare occasion your wife feels brave enough to “make a move on you”, nothing and I mean absolutely nothing will make her feel so important to you when you start talking about cleaning the gas grill. Either tell her you aren’t in the mood or jump her bones, but never talk about your freaking gas grill when she clearly wants to have some fun.

These are all true experiences.

I refuse to marry a third time. Relationships, yes. Marriage…um… no, thank you.

~A. Mac