“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Socrates

My world has been hell since November.  Increased pressure to complete evaluations before holiday breaks, IEP meetings with attorneys and advocates during my scheduled therapy time, all day meetings scheduled on your one day to do paperwork or make up any missed therapy, etc… were typical stressors in the life of a public school speech/language pathologist. When you add your spouse’s health issues to the mix (he passed out in the kitchen in the middle of the night and fell on the shoulder he uses to help him ambulate his cane…still don’t know why he fell and passed out. After his fall, he mixed alcohol with pain killers and became a very difficult person to live with) and start a D/s relationship with someone, a person can eventually “snap”.   I’m not exactly sure when my “snap” happened. It may have happened in December, but by early January, one of the worst OCD triggers and depression spirals began resulting in an unexpected leave of absence from work.  I really don’t know what happened. Nasty e-mails from school psychologists, pressure to not miss any therapy, pressure to attend meetings that make you miss therapy, meetings with attorneys, doctors, and advocates that last several hours, constant questioning of why billing or paperwork was late (it wouldn’t be late if I weren’t pulled into so many different directions) led to my rebel post about setting boundaries. Marital issues, re-experiencing grief and loss 11 years later, and a D/s relationship, which later turned out to be unhealthy for me, were all contributing factors to the “snap”.

If I hadn’t experienced these events, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Where am I?  I’m moving forward and leaving my stressors behind. I realized I am responsible for my own happiness, and I had not been truly happy for quite some time. I applied for my Dream Job, which is 150 miles away from my home and The Man I Married (TMIM). I was encouraged to go for the Dream Job by TMIM. The Dream Job was offered to me. This is an exciting time in my life and much deserved. I get to move back to Houston alone, and for the first time in years, I feel like I can breathe. The plan is to live in Houston during the week and back in the Live Music Capital of the World on the weekends. I may be in Houston for 18 months or more. I don’t know if we will survive a weekend marriage or how I will like being a weekend wife. I believe we are both okay with that.  We had a long talk one night and discussed our future together. He knew I felt trapped and that I had more physical needs that he could no longer provide.  When your spouse tells you he could forgive you for any indiscretions and that he wants you to be happy, what would you interpret that to mean? Did he just say okay to an open marriage? Did he say he’ll forgive me if I cheat? I have no idea. I prefer directness. It was late at night and I was really ready to go to bed. A part of me wanted to just come out and ask; however, another part of me didn’t want to know. What if he was talking about something different and I ask about an open marriage? That could backfire. I think we both know we are close to the end. Neither of us wants to say the words. It reminds me a lot of how my first marriage ended.

Crappy things happen to every one of us and it is our response to the situation that makes us different. I had to get professional help on learning how to handle stress so I don’t fall down the rabbit hole again. I’m learning to use my OCD “powers” for “good” instead of “evil”. I even developed the courage to end a potentially unhealthy D/s relationship.  I learned from these experiences. I am brave, resilient, a warrior, independent, and stubborn.  I refused to stay down for the count. I fought for changes and I obtained them.

Everything I am familiar with at this very moment will be shaken, tossed, and scattered. That’s okay. I am ready for it.

I will explore this New World on my own.  Although I have family in the area, I would really like to have a small place I can call home. I enjoy my time alone and see many new possibilities and adventures happening.  This New World will make it possible for me to train at the dojang more often, reconnect with old friends, make new friends, check on my parents, travel, explore new relationships, network, write, and advocate for individuals with communication disorders.

I may break a toe or two as I explore this world and find new paths to stumble upon. That’s okay because it means I am enjoying life and taking responsibility for my own happiness.

~A. Mac