I have always been open about my struggles with Depression and OCD. It has bothered many friends and family when I “put it out there” for all the world to see. I don’t care. It’s an invisible disability and it came pretty close to killing me. The death of Robin Williams touches my core. It was just 6 months ago that I came so dangerously close to engaging in a life taking act. I didn’t know how severely depressed I had become until it was almost too late. The signs started April 2013 and no one but my ex-husband recognized it. It took several weeks to find a psychiatrist and  two months to get an appointment. By the time I saw the doctor in September 2013, I was 40% unraveled. By December, I was at  75%. By February 2014, I no longer wanted to exist. No, suicide isn’t a way out. I know that, but when you are severely depressed, your judgment is extremely clouded and you don’t realize you’re making poor choices until it is almost too late. All you’re concerned with is making the pain stop. The search for finding the right combination of medication doesn’t help either. It affects your behavior as you and your doctor try to find the best cocktail for you. To experience a significant fall from grace while actively getting help is horrible. Wake up, my friends! Don’t ignore the signs and cries for help. If it weren’t for what was left of my rational thinking and the support of some of my family and even smaller number of friends and colleagues, I would have been dead. I’m glad I fought the battle. I continually have to fight the war; however, I have a warrior spirit and will do my best not to succumb to the thoughts that have “popped up” on occasion. I’ve forced myself to climb out of the deepest, darkest, and scariest place I’ve ever been. I will continue to advocate for mental health awareness and share my story no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Deal with it. Mental health disorders don’t go away by ignoring them.

I have received private messages from a few family, friends, or colleagues thanking me for sharing my story because increased their awareness of mental health disorders and actually saved someone’s life.

I’ve been living with Depression since I was 16. I’ve had the “urge” to harm myself three times (1988, 2002, and 2014). Each time the thoughts have invaded my mind, the urge to engage in self harm became stronger and frightening.  With the help of my support system, medication, and a variety of coping strategies, I am able to enjoy life again.

My depression changed my relationships with friends and family. It was one of the many contributing factors that led to the end of my marriage. It appears that society would rather ignore the mental health issue than discuss it because they don’t want to think about it. It is somewhat understandable. Who wants to think about friend or loved one voluntarily dying? Unfortunately, ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away; it makes it worse.

I will continue advocating and sharing my story. It will most likely proceed to bother my family and friends. That’s not my problem. They are the ones who are ignoring the issue and refuse to see what is evolving. Get your head out of the sand and face reality. Someone you know has depression and may no longer want to be a part of this world. Open your eyes! Educate yourself and help someone out of their personal hell. Whatever you do, don’t pretend a problem doesn’t exist because it makes you uncomfortable.

~A. Mac