One of my favorite books is The Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives by Dan Millman. Every time I read it, I am reminded of what I’ve learned before, am in the process of learning, and should not worry about in the future. As I accept my loss, process my pain, and travel a new path, I frequently find I am searching for answers I feel I need to have in order to obtain closure.

“It is better for you to take responsibility for your life as it is, instead of blaming others, or circumstances, for your predicament. As your eyes open, you’ll see that your state of health, happiness, and every circumstance of your life has been, in large part, arranged by you — consciously or unconsciously.” ― Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior

I realize I may never secure my answers from the individual who broke my heart and that every person has experienced loss in one form or another. I’m not sure if we really ever heal from loss but we learn to accept it and check our scars less frequently as time progresses.

It is up to me to find my own answers. It really isn’t his responsibility to provide them for me although it would be easier for him to give them to me instead of doing my own search. Would I learn from it if he did? Probably not.

I am going to take responsibility for my life as it is. I am responsible for letting someone in my heart quickly and for allowing him to unofficially move in to my home. I didn’t give myself time to stand on my own after my divorce. Perhaps I was subconsciously escaping from my own fears. There is no doubt we both experienced a year of love, respect, happiness, devotion, and adventure. He didn’t deal with his loss prior to becoming involved with me and I didn’t stand up and say, “Slow down. I need to learn how to be on my own again.” Let’s add a wrench to this mess. I may lose or gain readers from this statement. We were in a 24/7 D/s power exchange dynamic, and although this is not new to me, it was the first time in many years I fully let go. Unless you experience this type of dynamic, you may not fully understand the level of intensity and intimacy shared between two people. This makes the ending of a wonderful relationship a little more painful.

Loss is loss no matter what type of loss it is. We all experience the same stages of grief, however we process our grief differently. That is one of the things that makes individuals unique.

I’m going to do my best to keep my thoughts in the present. Reminiscing the past just makes it harder to let go and thinking about the future just increases my anxiety.

Now is all I have.

A. Mac