Springtime is wonderful time of year.  Trees begin to turn green, flowers bloom, the temperature gradually increases, and the anticipation of summer fun  makes us playful and energetic.  I love the external side of spring but dread the internal side.  It’s the side no one sees until my former BFFs, Anxiety and Depression pay a visit.

It all started with my old friend Stress.  Stress is a moody little bugger and occasionally invites its cousins from other places I frequently visit such as work and family.  Professionally, this is a rough time of year where job stress increases secondary to closing out the academic year and making sure all evaluations, session notes, and billing have been submitted.  Unfortunately, when stress increases, my anxiety, disguised as OCD, increases which opens the door for depression.   On most days, my OCD and depression are manageable with medication and a few Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) strategies, but there are days or times of the year where I experience significant stress from different directions, and as a result, I drive many people around me nuts with my rigidity like lining things in my refrigerator with the labels facing left in a 45 degree angle or making sure the thermostat, TV/stereo volume, and number of tissues boxes I have are in even numbers.  I am hyper aware of everything and everyone around me.  Sudden changes in my routine, day, or plans make me feel like I’m blindfolded, set on fire, and trapped in a maze.

Depression is Anxiety’s fraternal twin.  When Anxiety pays a visit, Depression pops by a few days later.  I really dislike Depression.  Anxiety is annoying but Depression is the “friend” we all avoid.  Depression siphons everything that makes you enjoyable to be around.  Look at Eeyore, Marvin, and Debbie Downer.  Who would enjoy hanging out with them?  What do you do when your least favorite person comes to stay with your family for a few days?  You do everything you can to tolerate their company until they go home.  In DBT, this is also known as riding the wave.  To ride the wave,  a variety of strategies are used to help tolerate anxiety and depression until it leave us.  As we ride the wave, we must accept and let go of our thoughts and emotions as they enter and leave our mind.  If we focus on its presence, then it becomes amplified resulting in increased distress.

I’ve been riding the wave for 22 days now and it’s wearing me down.  Anxiety and Depression have overstayed and need to go home. I’ve reached out to those closest to me and started the next level of support to help me get through this episode.  It’s difficult to admit that you’re not okay but I’m glad I did.