My entire life has changed within the last six weeks.

If you’ve been reading my blog regularly for the last 9 months, you will know that I’ve been living in my own version of Hell. I fell from professional grace, suffered the  worst depressive episode of my life (and lived to tell about it), separated, divorced, began dating, moved to another city, and transitioned back to the working world after a 9-month “vacation”.

Wow… That’s a lot for a person to go through in a short period of time.

Now what?

I’m scared I’m going to fuck it all up. The “What If” game repeatedly plays in my head. What if I can’t handle the stress and I go back into my depressive hole? I barely survived this last episode. What if my OCD gets so out of control that it affects my ability to do my job? What if I’ve totally lost my professional reputation? Do you see where I’m going with this? If I allow the “What Ifs” to take over, then I’m allowing my fear of failure to take over my thoughts.

Are my feelings and insecurities normal? Yes

Come on, anyone who experienced the events I have experienced would most likely feel the same way.  It’s okay to be nervous and scared. It is not okay to let it consume you.

For the first time in 15 years, I have to deal with these hopes, dreams, and fears on my own. Notice I didn’t say alone. I’m not alone. I have a great support system comprised of doctors, close friends, a few family members, and a support group consisting of people with similar issues. I am going to be okay.

 Am I going to be able to turn to my ex-husband for my “crises?” No  Do I know of other people I can contact? Definitely

My primary goal is just to be able to hold on to my job and not let the OCD take over. I’m not concerned about making friends right now. I just want to know I am ready to work confidently and without another mental “snap”.

I dream of a day where I can go to work and not obsess on what co-workers may have said or could say about me. A day where I can laugh and not worry about any mistakes I have made. I hope I will never wish to not exist again. I hope I will allow myself to speak up and tell administrators and colleagues what I need. I am afraid I will not survive another mental breakdown.

These are my hopes, dreams, and fears. I wish it were as simple as hoping to win the lottery, dreaming of the perfect employment position, and being afraid of spiders.