My original idea for this post began in May. At that time, I was struggling with body image issues and was proud of my new perspective. I never finished the post and instead of scrapping the idea, I decided to go a slightly different route.

My confidence is on vacation.

Why?

One of the many things I’ve learned in my martial arts training is to be ready for anything.  Be prepared to defend yourself in a bathroom stall, a parking lot, your workplace, etc… you get the idea. Be prepared to defend yourself at any time.  Don’t get too comfortable in your environment because it can change in the blink of an eye and if you aren’t prepared, you will get clobbered.

I got too comfortable.

I learned to love, open my heart, and completely trust for the first time in twelve years. It was a beautiful, intense, and intimate dynamic. Alas, everything comes to an end sooner or later. Unfortunately, the ending was highly unexpected and now I feel like I’ve been thrown away.  It’s just a feeling and it will go away in time.

Today I am full of insecurities and they are screaming loudly.

I suddenly find myself afraid of life. I know to live in fear is not living and as much as I want to hide from it all it would not be in my best interest.

I’ve taken many risks in my life. In my early twenties, I traveled alone across Texas in a vehicle with no shocks and windshield wipers on less traveled highways and country roads. I’ve chased people down in the middle of Detroit for parking in a handicapped parking spot when they didn’t have the permit to do so. I’ve done things like this for thirty years, so why am I so afraid now?

I  hope confidence comes back from vacation soon.

~A. Mac